Lately I have not felt like doing any reading--heck, I haven't even felt like doing any writing. Perhaps I am suffering from post-education blues. I'll look at my Kindle or a book I know I want to read and I just shake my head like a toddler being force-fed spinach. I'll open up Word and stare at the blank screen while my thoughts drift from the Tigers to the Lions to any number of situations that are like a thorn in my flesh. Even my workouts have been somewhat lacking.
Part of me wants to kick myself in the seat and say "giddy-up...lower the shoulder and drive on...when the going gets tough the tough get going...pull yourself up by the boot-straps, and so it goes". And that would be normal for me. However, as I have gotten older I have become more contemplative. Instead of running through the wall I have started to give thought to why the wall is there. What can I learn from the wall and what is God teaching me about myself with such a wall. I have to resist the urge (the temptation) to just smash the wall and be done with it--after all that would be much easier. It would be easier still to ignore it and walk around it. But no, I have to, I need to do the hard work of soul searching contemplation.
Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich write that the wall represents our will meeting God's will face to face (The Critical Journey). They add: "We sit in awe of the process of surrendering and going through the wall [eventually]. But, as we emerge, we are able to move along on our journeys with much less clarity about the direction and much more assurance of not having to be in charge of our lives. We are being transformed, turned inside out."
Giving up power, giving up being in charge is difficult--even when we turn over control to God. The popular bumper sticker reads "God is my co-pilot". God needs to be more than the co-pilot, he needs to be the pilot while we tend to others on the trip.
So true bro! Last weekend I had an awesome adventure in the Ozarks with my love & a couple cool pals that was so refreshing & fun but this week has just been blah. I find myslef at a very confusing crossroads & keep seeking God's will but feel I'm somehow missing the point. I used to be able to quiet my mind, seek God's will in decisions & would feel or sense a subtle nudge & in a couple instances not even subtle but for ages now I find myslef asking the worng questions, unable to quiet my mind or just plain missing the boat completely which is when the blahs set in for me. I stand at the wall, beating my head agaisnt it, wondering if I'm supposed to go up, around or through so contemplating why it's there to begin with is an entirely better quandry to ponder!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I too remember the weeks following graduation of both my bachelor's & master's, feeling disconnected & disinterested. Good to know it wasn't just me! Rock on my friend!!! Thanks for sharing!